Healing is Better than Hurting, Even if it Hurts to Heal

These last two weeks, I’ve been triggered by all the events in the US. As I write this, we are in the middle of the nomination process of Brett Kavanaugh to the US Supreme Court.

So by the time you read this, you know that ending of that process. This isn’t about politics though. It is about growth and pain and humility.

I’ve got my own history of being sexually abused and I’m also a woman who went to law school.

I stopped practicing law over 20 years ago. However, I LOVE my country and our incredible constitution. I view it as a living, breathing document. The judiciary is bound to determine each case based on its constitutionality, based on precedent but also in accordance with changing culture.

I became a lawyer to bring about positive change. I have no regrets that I retired when barely out of law school to rear our children. It was my choice. But I am still a lawyer in my heart and mind though not in title or role.

The women and men who sit on that court need to be NON-political and respectful of the people they speak to. It is the process. They need to have a deep comprehension of the law and a reverence to their duty to the bench. THAT is a large part of what the Senate is entrusted to investigate.

These are some of the reasons I’m triggered right now.

I went quiet on social media because I couldn’t stand the politicizing of something this serious. I withdrew into myself even if those around me didn’t know that I was doing it. I’ve gotten good at hiding pain.

But I’ve just realized that I could serve better by showing up and speaking up and healing myself.  I can serve MYSELF better by showing up and being myself.

I believe that men and women are all connected and that when one of us hurts, all of us hurts. So yes, I’m praying for EVERYONE involved.

I’m praying that we are able to unite as a nation.

I pray that the rest of the world knows that we are a work in progress as a nation; as are each of us as individuals.

This weekend I prayed and watched events unfolding during a short drive from my home while I attended a film festival all weekend: 26 movies in 3.5 days. That’s a topic for an entirely different post.

I couldn’t march on Friday with my friend. This festival was a big deal and I wanted to be with my husband. Besides, what difference would I make being there?

When I found out about the decision to actually investigate this nominee more completely through the FBI, I was in the bathroom, thankfully.

I had NO idea my body was still holding onto the trauma of sexual abuse as deeply as I was. When I read on my phone that the nomination was only moving forward if the FBI investigated the allegations, my entire body started to shake uncontrollably. I was about to text a friend to come help me get outside when the shaking subsided. This was the physical manifestation of trauma.

I’ve studied this physical response. I’ve taken several courses and studied and written and talked. This is a video of a lamb shaking off the energy built up after experiencing a traumatic birth.

I’ve had therapy, but never about this. Not once.

No one ever talked to me about the assaults that were a contributing factor in my later poor decision making or my personal character “defects”. I thought I was more healed than I am, apparently.

I’m not asking for this to be a political discussion: Not one little bit. This is about how deeply we are impacted by events in our lives and that we carry them with us in our tissues.

We have to understand that in order to heal and then once healed, to more deeply heal. We are motivated by our wounds at times and don’t even realize it.

I am committed to healing. I am committed to growing as a person myself and holding space for my clients to heal and grow and meet their goals.

I am committed to you…and to myself.

Are YOU committed to your own healing and reaching your own goals?

Are you living in chaos or are you ready to be able to find peace in your world no matter what is going on around you?

Most days I can find peace, no matter what is going on around me. I’ve grown enough at this point to do that.

This rattled me because of the intensity of my uncontrollable reaction. I allowed myself to feel the feelings afterward in a different way. I’m walking through that.

I’m humble enough to talk about it and knowledgeable enough to walk through it and heal even more deeply.

I marched in Thursday even though my friend couldn’t go. I went by myself. This is about me, and my commitment to myself. It is about showing up without shame and being heard.

The only way out is through. Sometimes we have to keep going through in order to heal more deeply.

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